Shaky, The Starbucks Bandit

Shaky, The Starbucks Bandit

J.J.Turner’s crime spree began in 2000, a week before his eighty-second birthday. He was arrested in Pensacola, Florida minutes after taking $300 from the popular Starbucks Coffee Company. He was eventually given two years probation, fined $260 and told to leave Florida.

Turner was arrested again in November 2002 outside a Starbucks in Memphis after giving a note that said “ROBBERY” written with a black felt pen in shaky letters. “Give me all your money and a double mint mocha skim latté to go.” The employee got Turner’s license plate number as he left the parking lot, he was arrested about ten miles out of town, fined $500, and served nine months in the Memphis state prison.

Turner didn’t take from Starbucks for himself, nor was he after the high-quality whole bean coffees. No, Turner robbed for the love of his thirty-two year old girlfriend, Lindy, who loved Starbucks’ mint mocha skim latté--and money.

Lindy had a list of problems, and caffeine was at the top of her list. It was love at first sight for both of them. Turner fell in love with Lindy’s get-up-and-go and thirty-eight D cups of bulging breasts, and Lindy fell in love with Turner’s bulging wallet. Lindy’s breasts stayed the same, but the wallet reduced in size the first few months of their devoted relationship. Consequently, successful Starbucks heists across the country supplemented Lindy’s energy needs, and, thrust Turner into the criminal spot light. He became famously known as “Shaky, the Starbucks Bandit.”

Four years later, Turner walked into a Starbucks in Houston Texas, handed the employee a piece of paper written with a black felt pen in the same shaky writing “ROBBERY.” Twice, the employee asked if he was kidding when he asked for the money and a cup of mint mocha skim latté to go. He was convicted of robbery again and sentenced to five years in prison, becoming the oldest inmate in the Texas state prison.

The 90 year-old walked out of the prison gate carrying a green duffel bag stamped Fort Worth Texas prison. Scratching his stubby white whiskers, he squinted his worn out cornflower eyes and walked towards the red pick-up truck.

“Welcome home, old man,” said the woman behind the wheel.”

J.J. Turner threw the duffel bag in the back of the pick-up without saying a word, and, at a snail’s pace, climbed into the passenger’s side of the truck. “Where to Shaky,” said Lindy.
“Sure could use a good cup of coffee.”